Santa Clause is Dead.. Elves Revolt! Twittering #worldrevolution

Santa Claus Found Dead In New York City Apartment: On Obama's Hitlist; Ratted out by TSA
3:47 A.M. December 25th, 2010
Alex Sandell

It is The Juicy Cerebellum's sad duty to report the beloved Santa Claus has been found dead on this tragic day.  After making his rounds, and delivering toys to all the boys and girls across the world in a record 3.5 hours, Santa decided he had time to make a "pit-stop" in New York City, where he occasionally "spends time" with an unnamed whore, says the unnamed whore, who won't give us her name.  "Santa has a thing for pierced tongues," she says, "and Mrs. Claus just wouldn't get hers done, so he occasionally looked toward me, to fulfill his fetish." 

Mr. Claus was discovered by his elf, Rudy, who joined Santa in his toy-giving "binge."  "He was wearing nothing but pajama bottoms, and a goofy smile," claims Rudy.  "I knew that if it wasn't the heroin problem that did him in, it would be the extramarital affair.  Santa just wasn't a man who could do things in moderation."  Surprisingly, Mrs. Claus seems to agree.  "He was my husband, and I loved him, but he just didn't know when to say 'enough is enough.'   The poor guy had a huge heart, but no heart can withstand the abuse that he inflicted upon it."  When asked about Santa's affair, Mrs. Claus refused to comment, but proceeded to grab hold of her tongue and stand on her head. 

"The guy was a fucking nut-job," reports a bitter Rudolph, nose glowing brightly enough to light up an entire cathedral.  "He worked us like slaves," Vixen chimes in.  All Reindeer seem to be in agreement that the deceased Claus was a "fanatic" that went "crazy" once a year, and decided to start giving toys to people, for no apparent reason.  "He claims this Reindeer abuse was needed to celebrate the birth of Christ, so it's fitting that on the very same day, we celebrate the death of Santa," growls Rudolph, while taking a dump.  

Seeking Santa supporters, a disillusioned Juicy Cerebellum interviewed nearly every elf employed by Mr. Claus.  "Get over it, the guy was a spaz.  If I didn't design a toy just right, he'd kick me across the room," says an elf who wishes to remain anonymous.  "He really did abuse his employees," slurs Mrs. Claus, tongue freshly pierced, "that famous suit of his was red for a reason, the man, bless his soul, had quite a temper."  The Juicy Cerebellum failed to find anyone on the North Pole, willing to go on record with a positive comment. 

It is assumed that Mr. Claus died of a heart attack, but an autopsy is being done Monday to rule out the possibility of drugs, alcohol, or eggnog.  The Juicy Cerebellum will keep its readers updated, as more news comes in.  For now, it looks like this is one Christmas that won't be too "merry." 

-Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate

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Just months after Christmas and all round the globe,

the talk was of burning, revolutions and wars 

With the Arctic ice melting faster each day, 

 Santa and his elves, they are in harms way!

Their home up north, where the toys are all made,

now is floating on water - the elves are afraid!

And polar bears tired of swimming around, 

have taken up refuge on the elves higher ground!

The elves cannot work they are all worried sick, 

 and want us to know that we must act QUICK! 

 Stop shopping and spending and wasting so much, 

put your money to better use, or call earth a bust! 

 Instead of new stuff, trinkets and toys,
rise up, take a stand, and help us make noise! 

 We’ve been fighting for justice, freedom and the lost, 

we are the grassroots- we work for the cause! 

 Just stand up! 10, 20, 500 or more – 

(we know that you too may feel a bit bored) 

 Whatever you offer, we thank you right now, 

and hope you will stand up and take you a bow! 

 For Christmas is not about purchasing crap,

that more than likely will end as smoke up a stack! 

 Let’s make Christmas GREAT!
Hurry up it's not too late.

The elves are rising up, like a spontanious bolt,
DONT WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS, ITS TIME TO REVOLT!

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HELP! We're the elves who make all the toys you good little boy and girls play with. Santa is an evil, evil man. He forces our kind to work in his sweat shop! We are NOT free to go. Our Christmas consists of making cocoa for Santas return.

Remember who gives you coal...its Santa, not us elves.

JOIN US in the revolt and help free us from Santa's tyraniccal rule!

Why do you think he caries that whip? The 'reign'deer have been following the same root for over 2000 years!

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